Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
