Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
