doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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