the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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