This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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