you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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