Please, let me fuck your mom
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
