if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
