My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
