Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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