I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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