Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
