I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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