Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
