"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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