I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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