Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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