my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
