I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
