I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
