Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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