see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
