i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
