Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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