So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Text me some of your sweat
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
