Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
