thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
