You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
should my penis look like a turkey
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
