I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
