So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
