Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When are your genitals available?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize