tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
