Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You made out with two different species that night
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
