He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
