You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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