Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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