Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
