i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
