new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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