If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Quick, to the slutcave!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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