I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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