I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
