I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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