Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
