he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize