GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
