I could have mohawked her pubes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
