I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
