Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
