I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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