Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
