at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize