whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
