mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
