The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
