My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
