When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
