I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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