im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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