if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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